Ask Gen

Dear Gen-

I have a great nanny. My son loves her dearly. In fact, he seems to prefer her over me. What should I do?

-Concerned in Ohio

Don’t let your nanny go. Many parents go through the same thing.

I don’t recommend the “rotating door” policy with nannies. Hiring and firing scores of nannies every time the child gets too attached is not a good idea. It’s subconsciously teaching your child not to let his guard down or become attached to anyone in his life, which isn’t good for his emotional growth. Kids appreciate stability and need that reassurance so they feel safe exploring the world.

You have selected a nanny who seamlessly has blended into your child’s life. You should be proud of this achievement, even if your child is rather attached to the nanny.

Here are some ways to stay connected to your child when you can’t be home:

Call home to say a quick hello. Just because you’re away from your child doesn’t mean that your thoughts are. Let him know that by calling to say hi and send your love. Don’t get crazy with this… no need to call every single time you leave the house. A sporadic call every so often will make the conversation a special, happy surprise.

Leave little love notes. If the nanny is putting an older child to bed, you can leave a little sticky note on the bathroom mirror for him to find when he goes in to brush his teeth. Or, stick a photo of you and your child in his book to replace his bookmark. Leaving little bits of yourself behind reminds your child of how much you love him whether you’re there or not!

Have the nanny talk about you even while you’re not around. Pre-prepare a meal, lay out your child’s pajamas, buy a special dessert or make some other small gesture, then have the nanny tell your child that “this is the snack Mommy made especially for you,” or “this is the outfit Mommy picked,” or “that is the super special dessert Mommy baked for you.”

Create a specific ritual that exists only between you and the child. This could be a secret handshake, a particular greeting anything, as long as it’s yours. This will strengthen the bond between you.

Here are a few articles about mommy guilt and missing milestones:

Tackling Mommy Guilt

How to Cope with Missing Milestones